


The cook, bane of Camelot!

by QueenNutHouse



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Chaos, F/M, Family, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Humor, Post-Episode: s03e12-13 The Coming of Arthur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:13:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24569833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenNutHouse/pseuds/QueenNutHouse
Summary: Embedding knifes in the doorframe, knights banned from the kitchen and a cook on the warpath..Just what are they up to this time...
Relationships: Gwaine & Lancelot & Percival (Merlin), Gwaine & Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Knights of the Round Table & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Lancelot (Merlin) & Original Character(s), Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	The cook, bane of Camelot!

"Which way do you think it is?" Matthew asked as the two sat on the round table, Matthew's feet swung back and forth The meeting had long since ended, leaving the hall quiet. 

"Which way what?" Talia questioned, her feet crossed on the table as she fetched new arrows. 

"The cook, does she have it in for them, or do they start it?" 

She stopped midway, her brow creased and lips tightened. "Okay, what brought this on?"

"Leon being chased out the kitchen, then a knife flying out the door embedding into the door frame."

"Huh, lucky they ducked, then."

"Percival was running with a chicken in his arms."

"Really?!"

"Yep, now Leon Percival and Gwaine are barred from the kitchen. I heard it from Lancelot."

"They ain't the brightest candle, that's for sure," Talia muttered in disbelief.

"Talia? Do you think they started it or what?"

"Hmm, well only one way to find out?"

"Oh no. How…" Matthew asked in a worried tone. 

"We attempt to either befriend the cook or she chases us with a sword?"

"How are we going to do that?!" 

Finishing her fletchling, she grabbed her quiver and dropped down to the floor, heading towards the door. 

"Leave that to me".

"No." 

"Why?" Talia hissed at Matthew, both leaning against the wall opposite the kitchen. The bustle of the hall as servants passed hurrying to duties didn’t seem to bother the two at all. 

"No way am I going in there! She threw a knife at them!"

"Just ask for something small...an apple!"

"She'll run me through with a..a spatula!" 

Rolling her eyes, she huffed, "Seriously, you're scared of the cook?!"

"Yes."

"Fine, I'll do it!"

"By all means, go for it. Don't moan at me if you leave with an embedded rolling pin!" 

Rolling her eyes, Talia was quick to dodge the servants as she entered the kitchen. She spotted the head cook. The broad shoulders and no mess features weren’t difficult to spot. 

"Well, what do you want!" 

Talia, unshaken back by the briskness internally grinned, forcing her voice to instantly soften and her features and became more innocent, something she was trained to do very well, thank you very much. 

"Ma’am, I was wondering if I could have an apple?" 

The cook studied the young lady before her, then huffed. 

"Just one." 

The cook looked away, and Talia was quick to grab the apple and leave.

"So just what did that achieve?" Matthew asked as he munched away on the apple after they left the hallway. 

The two sat on a windowsill. "That was step one of the study."

"Which was?"

"How scary is the cook."

"And?"

"All bark, no bite, but handy with sharp objects!"

"Ah, so now what?"

"Step two, getting in the good books."

"How are we doing that?"

"Pheasants, of course."

"Oh! I like your style.”

"The hunt leaves tomorrow. I'll have pheasants in plenty," Arthur bellowed reassuringly as he barged into the kitchens. 

"Don't bother!" The cook shouted over the plucking and chattering, and before Arthur's very eyes was fifty pheasants laid upon the large work tables. Most of the kitchen staff was plucking away. 

"How?!" 

"Wouldn't you like to know? Now out!" 

Talia smirked. She leaned against the door as a perplexed Arthur trundled past, not noticing the grinning duo. 

"Stage two complete, Talia?"

"Oh yes, now for stage three."

"What's stage three?"

"Sweet treats."

"Huh?"

"Apples; we'll need Merlin for this."

"We're going to die! Have you met the orchard farmer?"

"Don't be dramatic," she laughed, grabbing Matthew by his collar and dragging the protesting protector with her.

Three heads bobbed over the wall, staring at the orchard and the retreating farmer. 

"Why?"

"Why what?" Talia asked, looking to Merlin as they studied the apple trees. 

"The apples."

"Call it an experiment."

"Just what are they for?" 

Matthew laughed softly, looking at a confused Merlin, "Don't ask, Merlin. Trust me, when Talia's like this, you don't ask."

"Are you two finished?" 

Both boys looked over and nodded silently. 

"Good, now, before the farmer comes back, Merlin can you shake them trees?"

"Those three?"

"Yep."

"Then what?" 

Talia grinned, holding up the cloth bags. "Grab them and run!"

"We're going to die..." 

Talia laughed as both her and Matthew readied to jump the wall, and within moments, three trees full of apples tumbled to the ground. 

"Funny... Matt said that, come on!" Talia laughed as the three jumped the wall, quick as a whip, and the set to work, grabbing the apples lading them into cloth bags. 

"Oi!!!"

"Crap! Run!"

"The cook has them, Sire,'' Leon explained. 

Before the round table of knights and future king stood a very angry orchard farmer with a large, round bruise on his forehead.

Arthur felt a headache coming already. "How?" 

"The cook won't say, just that she's using the apples."

"Three whole bloody trees worth!" The farmer butted in, his face red as the same apples that were.. commandeered. 

"Aruelis, I'll get to the bottom of this. You have my word."

"You best! Those are my prized apples!"

"Happy now?" Matthew asked, attempting to not grin as they stood out of the way, allowing the shadows of the hall to hide them. 

"Nope, but lucky Merlin was with us."

"Lucky your aim is ace as well."

"I didn't mean to knock him out! How was I supposed to know apples could pack a punch?"

"Oh and I suppose you blame Merlin for levitating the apple first?"

"What do you think!?"

Rolling his eyes, they both watched the farmer storm out. 

"So now what, Talia?"

"Sweet treats part two."

"Why do I get a feeling this will be interesting..."

"We'll need mellow flowers, dry cow dung, and a catcher!"

"Huh?"

"Come on, we'll need Gwaine for this one.”

"So you want me to… what?" 

Talia rolled her eyes as she looked up at the beehive. She rubbed mellow flowers on her arms. "Catch the beehive."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want it to smash!" she reasoned, huffing as she readied her bow. 

"What about the bees?"

"Matt will smoke then into a stupor." 

Matthew stood with a smoking branch of dried cow dung, waving it around and grinning. 

"And you?"

"Shooting down the beehive."

"Right… why?"

"Because it's honey?"

"Good point!"

"You sure you don't want mellow flowers, Gwaine?"

"I'm not rubbing flowers on my arms, now shoot!"

"Okay, don't say I didn't warn you. Ready!" 

The arrow nooked, it quickly flew up to the branch, breaking the hive from its safety of the tree. It fell with ease, twisting and turning as it fell from a height, buzzing with angry occupants before landing hard into Gwaine's awaiting arms.

"What happened to Gwaine?" Lancelot asked as he cornered Talia on the training field. 

"Why, what happened to him?"

"I know you too well."

"Two months, Lancelot."

"Yet it seems longer."  
"So it does.” 

Now, they both sat on the rampart, looking out at the world before them. Lancelot grinned, shaking his head. He would get to the bottom of this one way or the other, even if it was for his own amusement. "So Gwaine?"

"Why are you asking me?"

"Because he is with Gaius being treated for a lot of bee stings."

"Really?"

"And the cook seems to be making honey cakes though she won't say who it’s for."

"You don't say..."

"Talia, what are you up to?" 

She grinned, tilting her head slightly to look at Lancelot. "Ask me no questions and I'll tell no lies."

"I'm beginning to think that's your motto," he smiled as he leaned closer. 

Their lips met for a moment, and that moment was worth it. It was pure and simple as though the spirits themselves approved, and when they broke away, a smile graced Talia's lips as her eyes traced Lancelot's own. 

"Just be careful, Arthur won't be impressed if you injure the knights," he murmured softly as she rolled her eyes. "No promises, but let's seal it with a kiss just in case."

"You’re incorrigible."

"What's new?" she grinned…

"Honey cakes." 

Talia whipped around quickly, coming face to face with the head cook. The burly woman smiled… fondly… at the young woman. In her arms was a basket of warm honey cakes! 

"Thank you," Talia smiled brightly as she took the bundle from the woman. 

"My pleasure. You’re such a dear. Pheasants, apples and honey, always polite… how Prince Arthur didn't knight you I have no idea, but don't you worry. We'll look after you," she reassured before patting Talia's arm and waltzing off towards the kitchens.

"Bloody hell," Matthew muttered in surprise as he swiped a honey cake. 

"Indeed."

"So, what have we actually learned?"

"Apparently, kindness goes a long way… but cunning-ness is even better! Especially if it involves pheasants, apples and fresh honey."

"Wonder what she'd give us if we get a deer?"

"I'll get the bows…”

To be continued?


End file.
